The true story of Final Fantasy Disc 3
by ChaosPhoenix
Summary: I'm pretty sure that everybody remembers how much of a pain Disc 3 in ff7 was so I decided to add a little twist to the events that occur.(R for the severe beatings that cloud will recieve and Tifa's slutiness)
1. Default Chapter

The True Story Of Final Fantasy Disc 3  
  
Well This is the first fan fiction I have ever written so don't be suprised if It is bad. Well anyways for all those Otakus out there, do not get pissed at the severe beating that cloud receives due to his love for anime, its just based on me since my friends have a habit of punching me when I talk about anime. They don't exactly like anime as much as me*thinks for a secong then rubs his arm*. Whatever, I'll shut up now. Hope you enjoy this  
  
Disclaimer:I own nothing in this fanfiction,absolutely nothing. I wish I owned the cast of final fantasy 7 so that I could pit them into battles all day long but I don't. I do however own Phoenix and all the magic that he cast so don't copy me without asking me first. If you do, I will be forced to turn into a werewolf and hunt you down, feasting on your intestines and yes I do have a therapist  
  
  
* The gang of final fantasy 7 is riding around in the airship when all of a sudden, Cid passes out at the wheel and drives the highwind dead into the ruby weapon*  
  
Everybody except Cloud:Oh fuck...this isn't going to be fun.  
  
Cloud: OH MY GOD! Its Epyon(cloud screams as he points at the ruby weapon in terror)  
  
Rufus: No you dumb shit , its the ruby weapon.  
  
Tifa: Hey since when were you with us Rufus.  
  
Rufus: I don't know... author just likes me.  
  
Ruby Weapon: Excuse me but you rode your airship right into my head...you think im going to just let that go.  
  
Vincent: NO! We don't want to fight you so shut the fuck up(summons Knights Of The Round) That'll shut him up.  
  
Barret: Hey. Since when did we have Knights of the Round. Don't we have to go through that pain stakingly long chocobo shit in order to get it.  
  
Rufus:Author.  
  
Barret: Gotta respect the author.  
  
Cloud: Ohhh man. I wanted Eypon's autograph(tears well up in his eyes)  
  
* Rufus aims his shotgun right at Cloud's head*  
  
Rufus: If you say another thing about Gundam Wing, Im going to blow your brains out... GOT IT.  
  
Cloud:*sniff sniff* I got it.  
  
*Knights of the round ends and to everybody's surprise Ruby Weapon is Dead*  
  
Yuffie: I don't remember Ruby Weapon ever being that easy(points to a coffin with the name of Vincent on it)  
  
Vincent: YOu DUMB ASS ,WE NEVER FOUGHT RUBY WEAPON BEFORE! I just sleep in a coffin...remember! I am a vampire....thats what vampires do.  
  
Yuffie: OH MY GOD! Somebody killed Vincent.  
  
* Vincent gets up and smashes the handle of his gun on to Yuffie's Head*  
  
Red XIII: Um excuse me. Shouldn't we check to see if Cid is alright. I mean he is passed out for christ sake.  
  
*Cloud looks at Red XIII and starts to smile*  
  
Clouds: Its a new pokemon, I have to catch it.  
  
Red XIII: How many times must we go through this Cloud. I AM NOT A POKEMON.  
  
Cloud: It is getting hostile. Looks like im going to have to weaken it.  
  
*throws a red materia on the ground and it cracks*  
  
Cloud: Go Hades.  
  
*nothing happens*  
  
Barret and Rufus: You Dumb Shit.  
  
Tifa: You broke Hades. THAT WAS MY MATERIA!!!  
  
*Cloud starts to back away as Tifa walk towards him*  
  
Tifa: I AM SOOOOO GOING TO KILL YOU.  
  
Rufus whispers to Barret & Vincent: Looks like somebody is pmsing  
  
Barret & Vincent: HAHAHAHA  
  
*Tifa turns her head to the three guys rolling on the floor*  
  
Tifa: You know...I heard that.  
  
*Barret, Vincent, and Rufus stop rolling around as their eyes widen*  
  
Tifa: LIMIT BREAK  
  
*Cid wakes up*  
  
Cid: Man that was some party last night. Oh fuck, looks like somebody is in trouble.  
  
* Tifa Performs her final limit break on Cloud,Barret, Rufus, and Vincent, switching from one person to the next after each a martial move*  
  
Cid: That's gotta hurt(scratchs his balls)  
  
Cait Sith: HEY THE AUTHOR FORGOT ABOUT ME.  
  
Rufus: Well that's not that hard. Everybody forgets about you.  
  
Cid: Hey, I thought you got hit with Tifa's Limit Break.  
  
Rufus: I did. The author likes me so he used a phoenix down on me  
  
Barret, Vincent, and Cloud: No fair.  
  
Tifa:Umm I'm Horny. Who wants to fuck me.  
  
*Barret,Vincent, and Cloud all try to get up but they can't. Cid looks at her for a second and slumps back on the wheel. Rufus laughs as he heads over to Tifa*  
  
Rufus: Hell yes, I Really like the author.  
  
Cait Sith: WHAT ABOUT ME?!  
  
Rufus: Your a stupid doll, remember. Your real body is over in Midgar  
  
*a door opens up to reveal Reeve, as Cait Sith's body goes limp*  
  
Reeve: HAHAHA Nope. I'm right here.  
  
Tifa: To bad I'm still screwing Rufus.  
  
*Reeve Sighs*  
  
Yuffie: You know Reeve, Im kinda horny too.  
  
*Reeve jumps off the airship and Rufus throws Cait Sith off*  
  
Yuffie: Hey that wasn't nice. Im not that ugly.  
  
Rufus: Probably not. I suppose the author just doesn't like you.  
  
Yuffie: Fuck the author.  
  
Red XIII: That wasn't smart. The author has the power to do anything he wants.  
  
* from out of nowhere, shadow flare is cast on Yuffie*  
  
Red XIII: SEE. I TOLD YOU SO.  
  
Tifa: Well, Rufus lets go. I am sure that the Chocobo Stables are empty.  
  
*Rufus grins at the other characters as he walks off with Tifa*  
  
Cloud: Hey Tifa, I thought i was your boy friend. Tifa, Tifa, TIFA. Hey wait...I never got laid by you before.  
  
Barret: You never really counted as her boyfriend. I was more of a boyfriend to her then you were, If you get what I mean.  
  
Cloud: WHAT?!  
  
Yuffie: Hell,even I got some from her.  
  
Vincent and Cid: ME TOO.  
  
*Cloud looks around*  
  
Cloud: Well at least she didn't have sex with Red XIII.  
  
Red XIII: UMMMMMMM, I never said that.  
  
EVERYBODY ELSE: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THAT'S GROSS  
  
Cloud: Wow, Im depressed. Well at least I got some from Aeris. I wish she wasn't dead.  
  
Barret:Ummmm, Cloud you do know we hired Sephiroth to kill h...  
  
*Vincent and Yuffie cover Barret's Mouth*  
  
Vincent and Yuffie: He doesn't need to know that.  
  
Cloud: I don't need to know what?  
  
Yuffie: Ok fine....Sephiroth killed Santa.  
  
*Vincent hits Yuffie in the head with his gun again*  
  
Vincent: That was the dumbest thing ever.  
  
*Clouds eyes start to water*  
  
Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOT SANTA CLAUSE. SEPHIROTH MUST DIE NOW.  
  
Vincent whispers to Barret, Cid, and Red XIII: What do you know. It worked.  
  
Vincent:....Sorry Yuffie.  
  
*Yuffie pulls out a bazooka*  
  
Yuffie: SORRY....I'LL SHOW YOU SORRY.  
  
*Vincent runs away, with Yuffie following*  
  
Red XIII: GOD DAMMIT...They really have to stop fighting with each other.  
  
* Airships starts to rumble*  
  
Cid: Either Rufus and Tifa are having A LOT of fun or I think Yuffie missed Vincent with the Bazooka.  
  
Barret: Considering all the smoke, I think Yuffie hit the engine.  
  
Everybody: THE ENGINE!!!!!!!!  
  
* The Airship crashes into the ocean*  
  
Red XIII: WELL thats not good.  
  
Cid: I think this is the end of chapter.  
  
Well I really hope you enjoyed the fanfiction. I will probably post the next chapter up soon.   
DON'T FORGOT TO REVIEW,review, review,review. If you don't review I will be forced to use hypnotic measures and nobody needs that so, REVIEW 


	2. Battle with the Emerald Weapon

Battle with the Emerald Weapon  
  
Well I am sorry that this chapter came out a little late. It was the combination of being grounded from the internet over the break and the fact that I am swamped with homework now.  
  
Disclaimer// Ain't Much more to say....I own nothing in this story except for the author, the narrator, and my character who comes into play alittle bit later  
  
*Cloud rubs his head as he pulls himself out of the crack in the airships hull*  
  
Cloud: FUCK THAT HURT!  
  
*long silence*  
  
Cloud:Hey is everybody dead  
  
*Red XIII and Vincent walk by*  
  
Cloud: There you guys are.......Wait a sec, if we are under water, how come we aren't dead........glub glub glub  
  
*Clouds face starts to turn blue as he rushes towards the airship in search of a room not filled with water*  
  
Vincent: Dumb shit must have lost his underwater materia, oh well who needs him  
  
Red XIII: He didn't lose his materia Hehehe.....I stole it from him after we crashed  
  
Vincent: HAHAHA your a riot....ok maybe we should find the rest of the crew, although I hope that bitch Yuffie died a horrible death  
  
*Yuffie swims by*  
  
Vincent: DAMN   
  
Yuffie: LOOK WHAT YOU DID VINCENT BECAUSE YOU MOVED OUT OF THE WAY  
  
Vincent: OH YES. I'm just going to let you hit me with the bazooka.  
  
*swims towards Yuffie and hits her in the head with his gun as her brain*  
  
Yuffie: SHIT! Stop doing that.....I think my brains hemorrhaging  
  
Vincent: If you stop being stupid, then I'll stop hitting you  
  
*Yuffie lowers her head and nods in response to Vincent's statement*   
  
Red XIII: I hope everyone's alright, except for Cloud.   
  
*Barret and Cid swim out of the airship.Tifa follows in a kinky black suit as she pulls Rufus by the dog leash she has on him as he tags along with much stress due to the fact that he is handcuffed and his legs are tied in bondage straps*  
  
Red XIII: Oh come on Tifa, at least let him wear some pants for christ sake. Hey I think mine's bigger then his  
  
Tifa: It is  
  
Rufus: WHAT?! Stop looking at me  
  
*Cid throws a pair of pants at Rufus as he closes his eyes. Rufus just floats there and turns red as Tifa un-buckles the straps on his legs and puts the pants on Rufus for him. When she's done, she puts the bondage straps on Rufus' again*  
  
Rufus: WHAT?!  
  
Tifa: We are still not finished. I didn't have an orgasm yet.  
  
*Rufus just sighs*  
  
Red XIII: Well everyone, I have some good news and I have some bad news. The bad news is, The airship is destroyed. The good news is, that loser Cloud has probably drowned.  
  
Everyone: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
*Cloud swims out of the airship, still very much alive*  
  
Red XIII: WHAT THE FUCK, HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD  
  
Cloud: Isn't that lucky. I found a spare underwater materia in Red XIII's room  
  
*everybody except for Cloud stares at Red XIII then does an attack at him. When they are finished, the Emerald weapon spots them and quickly rushes at the group*  
  
Emerald Weapon: Fe Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of an english man  
  
Tifa: Wow Emmy, Are you trying to get Squaresoft sued  
  
Emerald Weapon: Oh Hi Tifa, You were really something last night. I never came so hard  
  
Barret:O_o  
  
*Yuffie turns green and somehow manages to throw up*  
  
Red XIII: Wow Tifa really is a slut.....first me and now a weapon. Soon she is going to fuck a summoning  
  
*all of the red materias start to shake and they manage to summon themselves*  
  
Knights of the round..Arthur:Ummmmm too late  
  
Sir Lancelot: Yup its true  
  
All of the Bahamuts: Us too  
  
Choupen and Ramuh: Us too  
  
Shiva: HELL I EVEN HAS SEX WITH HER. She's ten times better then Siren is.  
  
Ifrit: What? I thought we had something special going on  
  
Shiva: I'm sorry Hunny, but I only have sex with you when Siren isn't around  
  
Ifrit: I understand *starts to cry*  
  
*Vincent just shakes his head*  
  
Cid and Barret: THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT  
  
*Yuffie turns green and somehow manages to throw up*  
  
Cloud: WHAT?! That's it, I give up with Tifa  
  
*cloud swims into the airship and curls up into a little ball*  
  
Cid : Well that is quite disgusting and I am in awe in how that is possible, but it got cloud out of our hands  
  
Tifa: Well I do not feel that I need to go into this battle so I'm leaving, lets go Rufus  
  
Rufus: But I don't want to go, I would rather fight Emerald Weapon.....He's safer  
  
Tifa: WELL YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH OF A CHOICE IN THE MATTER  
  
*Tifa forcefully pulls Rufus into the airship as he struggles to get away. Cloud just starts to cry when he sees her swim by*  
  
Barret, Cid, and Vincent: Well I definatly consider that punishment for what he has done to us   
  
Red XII and Yuffie: Yes that is  
  
Emerald Weapon: Excuse me but I think you forgot about the massive robot that is about to kick your ass  
  
*Yuffie pulls out a suit completely covered in materia and starts to laugh as she dons it*  
  
Yuffie: FEEL MY WRAITH....This is my best weapon so far. By combining all the materia that I have together as well as a few of my friends, I have created the ultimate spell. HELL'S JUDGMENT  
  
Emerald Weapon: Aire Tam   
  
Yuffie: Hey isn't Aire Tam materia spelt backw....  
  
*the Emerald weapon cuts off Yuffie by crushing her with its massive might. Yuffie is instantly killed but nobody revives her due to the fact that she stole all their materia*  
  
Emerald Weapon: Yup and the more materia you have, the better the attack is  
  
Barret: Doesn't matter considering she stole all our materia anyways  
  
Vincent: Ohhhh well LIMIT BREAK  
  
*Vincent turns into a Gigadunk and starts to laugh wildly*  
  
Vincent: FEEL MY STRENGTH EMERALD  
  
*vincent runs at the Emerald weapon and is quickly killed by a laser on the Emerald weapon. Red XIII's eyes grow ten times bigger as he counts the number of people left*  
  
Red XIII: FUCK THERE IS ONLY THREE PEOPLE LEFT  
  
Cid: Doesn't matter.....Squaresoft won't let there by anymore then three people in a group anyways  
  
Red XIII: OH YEAH  
  
Barret: What ever I am really not in the mood to fight anyways...LIMIT BREAK  
  
*Barret does Catastrophe on the Emerald Weapon and manages to destroy those annoying orbs on Emerald Weapon's shoulders*  
  
Cid: Hell Yeah.....way to go barret *Slaps Barret's hand*  
  
Red XIII: Hey I have a question...how do we all have our limit breaks  
  
Cid: Ummmm I think the author is just lazy  
  
*Meteor is cast on Cid, instantly killing him as soon as it is done destroying our solar system*  
  
Barret: You know, I definatly think the author is stronger then Sephiroth  
  
Red XIII: No he's probably a weakling, he just has the power to do whatever he wants.......WAIT DID I SAY WEAKLING I MEAN HE'S PROBABLY NOT AS STRONG AS HE IS NOW IN THE STORY  
  
*meteor hits Red XIII, killing him too*  
  
Barret: Oh fuck....UMMMMMMMMM PHOENIX  
  
*phoenix comes and does minor damage to the emerald weapon, who is cracking up due to the author, and revives Cid and Red XIII, as well as Yuffie and Vincent*  
  
Emerald Weapon: Aire tam  
  
*Emerald weapon lands on Yuffie, killing her again before she even has a chance to regain her senses. As usually, nobody revives her*  
  
Vincent: Note to self.....kill everyone who works at Squaresoft for giving me such a crappy limit break  
  
*Vincent starts to pray*  
  
Vincent: Please author can you give me a better limit break  
  
*Vincent's limit meter instantly fills up*  
  
Vincent: YES....I wonder what my limit break is. LIMIT BREAK DESPERADO  
  
*Vincent's gun starts to glow and then he lets out a massive blast of energy, doing 5 X 9,999 damage*  
  
Emerald weapon: O_o....was that supposed to hurt  
  
Vincent: Dammit....well its still better then my other limit breaks  
  
Cid: What a second, the Emerald Weapon hasn't done anything yet  
  
*Emerald Weapon starts to laugh*  
  
Red XIII: I don't think that laugh is reassuring  
  
Cid: I don't think that is laugh is meant to be assuring  
  
Emerald weapon: EMERALD RAY  
  
*Emeralds Weapon's chest opens up and a massive laser hits the party, killing them all*  
  
Narrator: Game Over  
  
Cait Sith: Wait a second.....what about me  
  
*Cait Sith comes strolling along under water with reeve behind it*  
  
Narrator: I'm Sorry...I forgot about you  
  
Cait Sith: Everybody forgets about me  
  
Narrator: Ummmmmmmmm well you jumped off the airship what do you expect from me?  
  
Cait Sith: Yeah ,what ever  
  
*Cait Sith pulls out his megaphone which is encased in materia. The emerald weapon just starts to laugh*  
  
Cait Sith: What's so funny?  
  
Emerald Weapon: This is.............AIRE TAM  
  
* Emerald Weapon executes his move and instantly kills Cait Sith and Reeve*  
  
narrator: Welllllllllll.....Game Ove...  
  
*as the narrator says the words, Cloud cuts him off and charges at the Emerald weapon. Due to his mass amount of anger....his eyes are crimson red and he learned a new Limit Break*  
  
Cloud: EVERYBODY WILL FEEL MY RAGE...........LIMIT BREAK, CHERRY BLOSSOM  
  
Emerald Weapon: What kind of a move is that......sounds kinda safe for me  
  
* Cloud rushes at the Emerald Weapon and hits him about 50 times with his sword doing 9999 each time, followed by an explosion of fire, ice, and lightning, instantly killing the emerald weapon*  
  
Narrator: That's a lot of anger.....remind me to not piss you off  
  
Cloud: Ok  
  
*cloud smiles due to the fact that his anger is gone. He summons Phoenix and revives everyone.*  
  
Yuffie: What happened?  
  
Cloud: I beat the Emerald weapon, rather easily I might add  
  
Barret: What, a little shit beat that monster when we all had a hard time with him  
  
Narrator: I wouldn't do that if I were you  
  
Vincent: What is he going to do, bore us to death by talking about anime  
  
Narrator: Not the best thing to do guys  
  
*cloud's eyes turn red*  
  
Cid: What did you do Cloud, you beat him with your Liger ohhhhh wait I forgot, You use the Shadow Fox(encase you don't know, those are 2 robots from the show Zoids)  
  
*Cloud's eyes start to flare as his sword glows*  
  
Narrator: I warned you  
  
Yuffie: What the fuck  
  
Cait Sith: I think we pissed the little baby off  
  
Cloud: LIMIT BREAK ............ CHERRY BLOSSOM  
  
Cids: That sounds pretty Gay  
  
* Cloud rushes at his ungrateful party members and butchers all of them up with his fifty sword attacks, including Tifa and Rufus, then destroys their remains with the blasts of fire, ice, and lightning*  
  
Narrator: That gets cooler every time  
  
*Cloud scratches his head as he looks at the severed body parts*  
  
Cloud: I did my limit break again, Didn't I?  
  
Narrator: Yup  
  
Cloud: That limit break may be a problem. I know I will regret this but I have to revive them .....PHOENIX  
  
*everybody is revived. As soon as they regain there senses, they look at Cloud and start to cower in fear*  
  
Cloud: Ewwwwwww I like this. I like being feared. I know why Sepiroth is evil. I might decide to be evil one day  
  
Narrator: Yeah what ever.....be as evil as you want. Just make it through the rest of the game twill you, or else you will have to deal with THE AUTHOR  
  
*music plays in the background, however, they screw the evil music up with Mr. Softee's music and the music crew pays for their mistake with an ultima spell*  
  
Cloud: Yes I suppose the author is a force to reckon with....Hey anyways, can you fix the airship Mr. Author. It will really help  
  
*a flash of light appears and a new airship is made*  
  
Cloud: alright everybody lets go  
  
*everybody stays silent as they run into the airship, afraid of getting killed by Cloud. Cloud laughs at them as he flies the airship away, since he killed the entire crew of the airship and the Phoenix spell didn't work on them *  
  
  
Thats it for now. Hope you liked it. Please review. One thing though....it my take a while to get the next couple of chapters up due to all my homework, but I'll try to get them finished ASAP. Well Bye 


End file.
